Bleak Midwinter Quiltbag Funfest 2

Happy New Year, all!

Today’s theme for our Funfest is “maids a milking.”

For my second and last contribution, here’s an oldie but a goodie, and interestingly enough one of the more difficult scenes I’ve penned to date. From Games of Rome (2015): a goat milking scene set at a Roman villa on the coast of Campania, featuring Allerix (our Dacian MC), Nicomedes, and Simon. Hope you enjoy.

Don’t forget to enter the giveaway linked in the first Bleak Midwinter Quiltbag Funfest post here on the blog. Be well. JP xo


“What in the name of the most holy Penates are you doing, Simon?” Nic asked with amused curiosity.

Close to the hindquarters of a white goat in the near corner, Simon squeezed the swollen teat of the albino nanny until milk streamed into the wooden bucket. “What does it look like I’m doing?” Simon pushed his curls away from his face and looked up. Anger burned in his young eyes. Alle doubted Simon’s resentment had anything to do with a meaningless hand job. Simon wiped his brow and explained, “Plautus said that if we return to the stable house without fresh goat milk, we won’t get fed.”

“Plautus can’t deny us food without Dom’s permission, can he?” Nicomedes wondered, rubbing his chin.

Simon shrugged. “I could use some fucking help.”

Nicomedes raised his hands in protest. “I am not going anywhere near those filthy beasts. This tunic was laundered just yesterday.” He lifted the fabric and sniffed. “It still smells fresh.”

Allerix exhaled. He was famished and tired. “I’ll help you, Simon.”

Nic patted Alle on the back. “Well, aren’t you a charitable fellow. Go and fetch a milk pail from that stack over there.” Nicomedes scanned the small herd, clearly looking for a specific target. “And Dacian, you see that brown and white one by the tree? She’s older and slow, but she’s Dom’s favorite bitch. Her name is Terentia. Dom says that nanny produces the best milk. Start with her, but don’t squeeze too hard, right?”

Allerix nodded and wriggled out of his work boots. With a bucket and a generous handful of grain, he pushed open the gate and stomped barefoot through the sludge to the opposite end of the pen. It hadn’t rained in days, but the lingering mud, combined with goat shit and piss, squished between his toes like sticky raisin pudding.

“I’d wager you’ve milked many a goat, peasant,” Simon sniped over his shoulder as he took hold of the white nanny’s other teat.

“No, I haven’t. Where I’m from, girls tend to these animals.”

“Well, now you’re the goatherd maiden, barbarian,” Simon spat back, his tone wavering between indifferent and caustic. Simon was changing as well.

Cautiously, Allerix walked up to Terentia. The nanny goat cried and eyed him, her black rectangular pupils widening with distrust. He patted her flank and offered her grain while he reassured her, “Easy there, old girl. I won’t hurt you, I hope.”

With an eye on Simon’s machinations, Allerix crouched and took hold of one of Terentia’s teats. Her udder was swollen like a satyr’s wineskin before a holiday feast. With a firm grip, he rolled his fingers down the length of the gland; a thick stream of milk squirted into the wooden bucket. Wide-eyed with delight, Allerix exclaimed, “It worked!”

Lounging on a bench outside the pen, Nic hollered, “That’s a fucking milk goat, you furry nit! It’s supposed to work!”

Wearing a satisfied grin, Allerix rubbed his hands together as he prepared to tackle the other teat. Suddenly, the old nanny took a step to the side, bleated and kicked him in the chest. More shocked than injured, Alle fell backward into the squishy ooze.

“Argh! What did you do that for?” Allerix yelled at the animal as he pulled himself up from the slime and wiped his mud-coated hands on his short tunic. “Fucking disgusting.”

Off to the side, Simon snickered while Nic cackled until his laughter dissolved into a coughing fit.

Allerix planted his hands on his hips. “I’m going to milk you, Terentia, and you’re going to cooperate. No more daft shenanigans.”

As he turned around to retrieve the bucket, Terentia squared her shoulders, lowered her head and butted the easy target that was Allerix’s perfectly round, mud-covered bum. He was launched face first into a deep pool of slimy manure. Dazed and humiliated, he rolled up onto his knees and spat out a glob of muddy saliva.

“Enough playing with the goats, Dacian. Finish the job!” Nic barely got the words out before he doubled over. Simon pressed the back of his hand against his mouth and laughed so hard that his brunet curls bounced.


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